A CAR

The first, but not the last vehicle to
pee black muck on our driveway

Many of you know that I'm an obsessive gearhead. Obsessive to the point that I might, if the situation came to it, bend my interpretation of the law in order to operate them. I sometimes spend a larger percentage of my material wealth on them than my basic life needs. I may even have a heightened sense of old-car radar that is able to detect an automobile of choice in a quarter of a second on a computer screen, T.V., or during an outdoor walk that is always followed by the outbursts and longing exclamations of "OH! AGH! LOOK AT THAT ONE! LOOK AT IT! Did you SEE IT!? It went RIGHT BY US!!1! OOOUFF". Just a little bit overwhelmingly obsessive. 

King Benz I - The Constantly Broken

King Volvo III - The Beloved

I've owned a number of dilapidated aged automobiles over the course of my driving life. All had hailed from Cold-War years, all had been marketed to pensioners/yuppies who have a fondness for cushy rides, big rubber steering wheels, and doors that 'KUUHNK'. They were the source of an overwhelming amount of enthusiasm, frustration and affection, and the destination of the contents of my bank account. I owned six cars in a two year period. Some brought me to gigs & summer employment, others hauled friends across southern Ontario, a few never made it onto the road.

Definitely beloved

King Volvo II -
The Poorly Maintained

Now that I no longer depend on OSAP to fund my irresponsible lifestyle choices, I can entertain the option of car ownership. Being overseas is a bit of an obstacle, especially considering Macau is smaller than the entirety of Etobicoke while being packed with 1.5 million gambling tourists, hasty locals and bumbling teachers trying to do their ties up shuffling to work in old loafers. However, the upcoming summer break of 7.5 weeks (and Christmas holiday) gave me the opportunity to do something I've been less-than-patiently waiting to do for years.

Yes. It's happening. Even as I type this, my chest is as tight as a snare drum at jazz night, and jazz night is no foolin' around, let me tell you. Hot or cold, jazz is serious business, and those snare drums have got to be as TIGHT as musician's budget in order to make those jazz notes come out. But now, my friends, it is time for you to see for yourself; The newest object of my most consuming obsession, my new (old) 1995 Buick Park Avenue ULTRA. 

Be-fuggin-hold

A Buick. A Bingo-stamping, Bob-Barker Price-is-Right-watching, loafer-wearing, burgundy Buick. You BETCHA. Just LOOK at this thing. This monument to automotive achievement was built twenty years ago. There are voting, employed, tax-paying adults who are younger than this car. The individuals who designed, assembled and shipped this thing used dial-up internet and VCR cassette tapes and watched Murder She Wrote and Seinfeld on their not-flat-screen televisions. That's how old this thing is. 

And I bought it. 

I expect that you want to have a good ol' look at this thing, so let me show you the wonders that mid-nineties technology brought motorists across North America.
The Size: If your family owns a Toyota Camry, it's smaller than this. If your family is sensible and owns a Volvo wagon, it's smaller than this. If your family owns a Dodge Caravan (A VAN), it's smaller than this. When I first showed this to my class during our "What did you do this weekend" sharing time, they asked me if it was a limousine (I told you I was obsessive). It's a big deal. Literally. It cost me $800 Canadian dollars. That's less than a new chesterfield from Sears. A pretty. Big. Deal.

The Interior: Speaking of chesterfields (and if you don't know what that is, go onto the internet and discover that Canada is a relevant and neat place), have a look in the captain's & passengers quarters. This car is so spacious that it can boast a comfortable capacity of SIX passengers (and I do mean passenger as in on an ocean liner). You know exactly what you are looking at when you see those deep, plush, leather bench seats that stretch across the car, almost into a different time zone. You'll find wooden dashboard paneling, you'll find those classic GM seat belt buckles that were in your Grandma's Oldsmobile, and you'll find yourself getting a better rest driving home from the bingo hall than you would in your own bed.

The Helm: At the bridge of this beast, you'll find a generous array of features and controls that would make even King Midas jealous. Power locks that go 'CHONK' just like they should, cruise control, and even a separate climate control for the passenger side (you don't get that in your new Honda Accord, now do YEH?). All for the sweet, sweet low price of $800, fully road worthy and ready to make my existence on earth full and complete. 

The Condition: With a crisp 170,000 km on the odometer, not a spot of rust on the body, and only two previous owners that babied (and were subsequently outlived by) the Buick, it was a pretty sweet deal. I even think it looks pretty sleek, even the back of the car has an elderly but dignifi-"WAIT DOES THAT SAY SUPERCHARGED!?" 
Yes. It does. This seeminly docile pensioner-cradling vehicle is fitted with the big brother of the turbochargers that many sports cars use today. This 'lil baby has the gusto to give those mid-90's Mustangs, Camaros and BMWs a view of its rear-end, all while making the tires scream for dear mercy. There isn't a single better example of a 'sleeper' than this car (which is a vehicle that seems docile, and shatters perception when it turns out to be a hell of a hot rod). All this, while doing 29 MPG on the highway, that is the power of a supercharger. Just when you thought I'd gone all soft and lackadaisical in my choice of car. HAH! No SIR. 

I haven't actually driven the Buick yet, I found it on kijiji and had my dad pounce on it within 4 hours of the ad going online (Yeah, I'm that good, even from another continent). It is and will be in Cambridge until I get back and am able to make paperwork turn into my passport to going fast on a couch. Then, this fantastic chariot might be able to make some adventures materialize this summer. And if we cross paths during that break, I might even let you take it for a spin (Under very close supervision of course). Either way, I am STOKED to see this, and you, and all the wonderful things that await this summer.