Welp! That about does that...

As of June 28, Two Thousand and Eighteen, my contract in Macau will be complete. The number of days left I have with my students is in the single digits. Shortly thereafter, my apartment will be signed over to my roommate, my possessions will be packed into bags, and I'll get on a plane and leave the dirty, moist cradle of China-not-China. As I would normally say in situations where it's time to move on to the next activity...

Welp!

OMG this has been a totally amazing life changing experience
that I will eternally cherish and I will love and miss everyone forever

This is not how I feel. Not because I'm an asshole who's incapable of sympathy, but because these things don't really sink in until I want to do a think I can no longer do; like go for greasy chinese food, hang out with some pretty solid pals, or scaring the wits out of my students by sneaking up behind them at recess and saying "GOOD MORNING" in my loudest deep adult voice. I'm also doing my best to desperately suppress the many inconvenient feelings as reality sets in. After so much time here, I've come to appreciate China-not-China for the things that are interesting, weird or different. Or maybe I'm a naive idiot who bumbles along and is content with most things. You can decide for yourself. 

Speaking of greasy Chinese food, I'd like to introduce you to a little place I call Five Sign (because there are five Chinese signs on the front that I don't, despite many people telling me the translation, call by it's real name. This place has been an absolute life saver for late night eats. Despite a massive language barrier, I've acquainted myself with a number of the staff, who are at least mildly amused by my semi-ability to order our desired dishes by name instead of saying "That one" and pointing to a picture on a menu. The icing on the cake is the ability to say "Thank you very much" when they drop off a bowl of their special sauce, "Very good eat" with a mouthful of dumplings as they pass our table, or "Sorry, Bad Foreigner" and point to myself when I am on less than my best behaviour (usually after a long, hydrating night of beverages). 

The photo quality is bad but the content is golden

HUN HOW CHE (Very good eat)

Macau's also been great at getting me off my ass, since everything is usually in walking distance. It's good to challenge my tendency of being a video-game playing, nap-taking, don't-leave-the-house-after-working bum. Sometimes the buildings and roads will look like some other place, and if you're drinking a bottle of wine while you walk through the park, the buzz will let pretend that you're in a Mediterranean town rather than hot China (I do not encourage drinking in public. I DO encourage using an active imagination and anything that well help you to exercise it).  

Most buildings don't look like this 

Most buildings look like this

Or that

But one of the best things I think I got out of this whole thing is that I got completely change from a debt-laden student with no experience to an independent adult who can do one or two important things. On one hand, things didn't always go so smoothly....

I spent tens of thousands of dollars on a degree
that I didn't use in any way, shape, or form! 

I got locked in the zoo once. Just once. Hardly my fault.

I crashed a rental car in Scotland. That may have cost me a lot of money. 

I earned the ire of my colleagues by jamming the laminator
by using the wrong plastic sleeves.

And drove my students crazy by just being myself. 

I'll do what I want. 

On the other hand, I tried a few neat things and learned a little more about myself. 

I found the value of having an apartment of my semi-own. 

Some of this money was, in fact, NOT spent on pizza and actually diligently saved

For the two years I lived with her, this girl taught me a thing
or two about fashion, good food and how to be a fussy Portuguese

I discovered how much I love to cook and feed others.

Winner Winner Thanksgiving Dinner

Brunch with Mimosas

Deep dish pizza

Cheese anyone?

And for a light lunch, a leg of lamb 

I got to travel to some places with people and take pictures of things. 

Portugal was a place

None of the cars were rusty and my heart hurt to not take them home

China was a place but it hurt my knees a LOT

Tasted fuggin good tho

Japan was definitely a looker

DEFINITELY Instagram worthy

GET.OUT

OF.THE.SHOT

JESSICA

I learned how to ride a motorcycle with these idiots and others, and didn't die! 

Driving in and parking on the sand to get a picture is dumb. Don't do it. 

Beep beep here I come

And for at least a little while, I got to do what I love doing the most. 

Their faces are  a lil' too small to see but just pretend they're happy

Apparently the only things they remembered
 are games and NOT ANY LEARNING

They do not draw flattering pictures of me. 

Overall, not bad/10

So there it is. Three years in what's technically China (although Macau I think classifies more as Mediterranean luxury China). I'm kind of very very glad that I had the chance to take chances, make mistakes and get messy. It was definitely an amazing experi-

"Oh for fuck's sake, he's going to turn this into one of those bullshit, life-changing self-improvement stories"

WELL for someone like me who has made his fair share of generally bad and stupid decisions, I've got to appreciate the good ones! I'll try to avoid writing something sappy that uses the kind of vocabulary of one of those workplace inspirational posters.

These stupid ones

While it was scary and frustrating, going to China was the motivation kick in the ass I needed to break out of my comfort zone and put myself to work. I'm sure that there's plenty of other people who pursue goals shit things I would think stupid or wrong (like buying a brand new car, or using Frank's Red Hot instead of the superior Dawson's brand of sauces), so I use this as an example. What I can take away from this whole time is this: Try a thing! Whatever works best for you! If it helps you improve feck not be a miserable piece of human garbage, do it!

- If you think a trip or vacation would do you good, go do it!
- If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired and need to start moving your body parts in different directs (I.E. going to the gym/for a run/joining a salsa dancing club), then give it a shot!
- If you think that your choice in cars is boring and you want to spice up your life with something as colourful and unpredictable as an episode of game of thrones, go on kijiji and find yourself a more interesting automobile!

(Follow the link for Pro-Tips by someone who isn't really a pro but pretends to be)
http://chiggin.blogspot.com/2018/05/buying-used-car.html

I could very well continue this list and become an arrogant idiot who thinks he's now thoroughly experienced and cultured, but who would put up with me if I did that? 

You mean you don't know the detailed events of the
Warlords period of contemporary Chinese history?

Well, this is only a thing that worked for me. Now that we live in the 21st century, we have a butt-ton of opportunities to do all kinds of things. Small things, spicy things, fast things, loud things, neat things, cozy things, stupid things, difficult things and things that make you want to rip your hair out. I tried this thing because I said "Shit, why not?" (and also because I said "Shit... I can't get a job in Ontario") If there's a thing you want to try, why not go out there and give it a shot!? Even if it isn't perfect instagram material, or if it might make you go a little more bald. Or don't. You're an adult, do what you want. 

And now for a slightly balder me, it's time to come home. This is the end part of this post that I don't really know how to write except to explain the voices inside my head. Currently, half of me is screaming at myself saying 

YOU IDIOT YOU ARE LEAVING A JOB WITH MONEY AND BENEFITS DOING THE THING YOU WANT TO DO HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO EARN MONEY IF YOU DON'T HAVE A GODDAMN JOB LINED UP IN CANADA YOU IMBECILE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE HAPPIER SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU MORON STOP RUNNING AWAY YOU HAVE GOOD FRIENDS HERE AND YOU ARE LEAVING THEM BEHIND FOR NO REASON YOU MISERABLE FUCK WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?

The other half of me is gently repeating reassuring phrases in wavering tones of uncertainty. 

It's alright. You'll be fine. You're going home. That's what you wanted. It'll be good to be home. That's right, home. The Buick is at home. You can get a cat. You can play in jazz bands again. You can see your friends. That's what you want, isn't it? Don't worry about it being a challenge, challenges are good. Challenges help you grow and learn. You'll figure things out. New nice things will come along. Won't that be nice? Everything will be good and fine and swell and dandy and nice.  

Caught between those feelings, I don't know what to do. I can't say if I'm making a mistake, or making a mediocre decision, or maybe I'm just a spoiled idiot. I feel bad for leaving behind such an awesome group of people, but by July 14th, the 3-and-some-years that have been actually really good for me will be over. I'll be on the ground in the mother country and that will be the end of it. So I'm not really sure what to say at this point. I have many mixed feelings, mostly mentioned in this post already, plus more that I'm not really willing to deal with right now. I guess I'll just say thanks. 

Thanks

Okay, yup. That'll do. Bye

Buying a Used Car

There are very few things in this world that get me as excited as the prospect of purchasing a new old car. Even as I type these paragraphs, I grow restless and eager to scrounge kijiji and other classifieds in search of an impulsive motorized purchase. It is addiction that will likely be the ruin of me, but while I still have a bit of money in my bank account (and while this earth still has a bit of fossil fuel left), I intend to enjoy the bare necessities of life.

I wonder how many Buick photos I can get away with posting...

 For those of you who have had to endure my presence for more than a half hour, I've almost certainly shared with you the proud existence of my car. Not just any car mind you, no no NO. My glorious iron horse, my octogenarian luxo-barge, my salt-rotten land yacht, THE BUICK. This trusty rusty machine has been my personal ride since June of 2016, outlasting my previous 6 cars that I owned during college. Funnily enough, due to my international situation, I've only driven the car a grand total of 10 weeks (subtracting winter hibernation and time spent under repair). So this car has the honor of being my longest lasting AND least used automobile. Neat. 

One metric ton of junk can fit in THIS trunk

Since I'll soon be returning from China-not-China to the motherland, I've got to decide what to do with the old gal. Having an old car has it's pleasures, but is not without it's pitfalls. In this instance, the underside of my car is rotten to the point that I imagine my driving along the road looks more like a meteor breaking up as it passes through Earth's atmosphere. While I can't know exactly how things are since I parked it back in August of last year, it's time to at least consider other options. 

CONSIDER! It's not cheating if you haven't done it yet! 

As I've stated many times in prior entries, I am not a smart man. However, there are some areas where I have made so many mistakes that, by sheer quantity of poor decisions, I've learned from them (or at least a few...). One of these areas is buying used cars. I will try my best not to mock those who's buying habits and preferences in cars differ from my own, but I can't make any promises. I know that for most people, dealing with the various tasks of getting a new car is a pain in the ass at best and an ocean of frustration & dread at worst. For many, when it comes time for some new wheels, it feels like choosing the lesser of three evils. 

I am here to help

Option 1: Being wasteful and buying a new car for a year of your salary and a pound of flesh, constantly regretting the purchase necessary to earn that salary and pay off that car.

If I just die now, I won't have to drive this thing anymore.

Option 2: Being boring and buying a used, bland car you care nothing for, all for monumentally more money than would easily pay for a much more desirable vacation on a warm beach.

I. HATE. EVERYTHING. ABOUT. YOU.

Option 3: Being a dumbass and buying something very old, broken, or very old AND broken shit for cheap, relentlessly dreading the day when your jalopy dies, forcing you to repeat the entire process again. 

I can't keep doing this... I can't keep doing this...

"But Stuart, isn't there some kind of fourth option that smart people choose?"

Well, yes and no. There is public transit! But if that is an undesirable alternative, there are strategic things you can do to get a better deal to make the aforementioned options not quite so miserable. If you aren't interested in saving money/buying a proper car for a fair price, why are you even reading this? You're welcome to see yourself back to reddit, instagram, or your facebook feed. 






Now that we only have the COOL people left, let's continue. 








Like I said before, when it comes to finding a car, I love the thrill of the hunt. Unlike most people, I seek out the oldest vehicles that have seen more of the world than I have. My obsession for obsolete automobiles often prevents me from making sensible and pragmatic decisions, even when I can clearly type them into a computer. Luckily for you, you're not me. Here's some handy PRO-TIPS to get started with:

 - Do some research: The ideas of 'unique' Japanese reliability, 'superior' German engineering and 'bad quality' American manufacturing are largely anecdotal and now almost fictitious in the 21st century. There are plenty of good choices across the board, regardless of country of origin. Find a type of car that best suits your needs (I.E. a station wagon, something with a manual transmission, good fuel economy, seating for 6+, etc) Even if you are particular, there are oodles of cars on the market, and you'll have several different makes/models to choose from. 

Like a car with decadent powered leather seats with butt-heaters and lumbar support?

- Shop around: The same car, with the same mileage and age can cost more or less depending on the area, seller & other circumstances. Do your browsing from the safety of your own device, so you don't get talked into anything. You'll also get an idea of what your type of car will cost, and you can also try to haggle a percentage off the posted price (this can save me another 10-20%). I use Kijiji (for Canada only), but there are other classified websites depending on your country.  Once you've narrowed your search down to just a few choices....

Out of 10 or so Park Avenues in Ontario, this one
was a mere 800 Canadian loonies. WHAT A STEAL

- Get a check-up: Request to have the car inspected professionally. With some prior notice, most mechanics will happily do this for you. The older the vehicle, the more necessary this is. In Ontario, an inspection like this is a legal requirement when putting the vehicle into your name, so it's best to do it before (I usually ask the seller to get this done as a pre-requisite). This leads to my most important point.

A smarter person would have seen this rust and said NOPE

- Ask for a service history: Receipts or bills of repairs, maintenance, replacement parts and other components are the documents that tell you how much the previous owner actually gave a shit about keeping the car in ship shape. You're looking for a vehicle that someone treated with the respect and attention that ensures many years of continued loyal service, not like an expendable machine that will become somebody else's problem. Again, the older the car/higher the mileage, the more relevant this tip is. 

With those little rules, you should be able to save some money and enjoy several years of dependable and anxiety-free motoring. Now, I won't presume to tell you what to do with your hard-earned money, and I certainly won't tell you what you should or shouldn't do with your property, but in the spirit of being hypocritical and condescending, TAKE CARE OF YOUR CAR. And when I mean take care of it, I mean TAKE. CARE. OF. IT! You can ask your mechanic what you can do yourself (refilling fluids, changing tires, listening for funny sounds), what expenses might be on the horizon, and what you can do to prolong the life of your vehicle. Allowing a vehicle's health to deteriorate will bite you in the ass in the long run. You don't want to have to purchase, insure, tax, plate, register, certify and pay for other expenses necessary to repeat the whole process prematurely. Trust me. 

Washing isn't technically taking care of
a car, but it makes me feel better

Ready for all that lies ahead! 

You may have been confronted with a situation like this before: A repair will cost X amount of money, and you picture that amount of money going towards another, different, marginally newer car. 

DO. NOT. DO. IT.

Do this instead! Only EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS!
That's less than a Chesterfield!  

I'm obviously biased because I am an curmudgeony gearhead, but I do have a bit of logic to back it up. A commonly forgotten factor in car ownership is an academically sounding financial/business term by the name of depreciation. In mathematical terms, that's Purchase Price ÷ Years of ownership, and the newer the car, the bigger the cost. That's how much value something loses while you own it, and it's the same reason why you can buy a slightly used/one year old phone, TV or laptop for a fraction of the price of a new model. For those who can afford them, new cars offer better technology (like bluetooth radio or satellite navigation) or status (which my Buick affords me plenty of anyways) and the peace of mind of a warranty, but older cars really aren't much different. In fact, they tend to be a much better value because they are so often overlooked. 

Ice cold A/C, cruise control, surround sound, and a bluetooth stereo that I installed.
That's right, this vehicle is quite the modern machine after all.

THIS IS BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING 

Okay, then here's my moral-of-the-story buying advice. Whether you're on a tighter budget or if you're a fancy-pants individual with a full salary, fancy haircut, and clothes with buttons and no food stains, you can take this knowledge with you on the hunt. 

Option 1 - If you've got the previously mentioned fancy haircut and want a newer car, get something fresh off a lease, or two/three years old. It'll cost you 50% of its brand-spankin-new counterpart, and since models are updated only every 8 years or so, you won't feel like you're driving something from the previous generation. Price will vary based on your taste/need for speed.

Option 2 - If you don't care that much for cars want a regular car, get something 7-8 years old with a clean bill of health and a good reputation (do your research for recalls and frequent problems) for $10,000. No more, but maybe less. I can't promise that you won't have a mental breakdown in traffic, but at least you'll save enough money for that future beach holiday. 

Option 3 - If you want the best bang for your buck. Get anything that's well taken care of (look/ask for a service history, no rust, drives well), regardless of age, with a good reputation, with as much as or fewer than 200,000 kms, for a maximum $5,000. With some hunting, you can do very well. I personally would not recommend buying a vehicle that is especially old (over 25 years) or with a lot of mileage (over 300,000 kms), unless you are mechanically inclined to tackle the issues that come with thoroughly used cars. 

Check out that mileage folks! 

So there ya go! Go on Kijiji. Take a look around. Ask questions. Find what's right for you, and SAVE YOUR MONEY. Once you find the perfect steel chariot, you can make it yours with a wide variety of classy decorations. Put on your dumb Winnie-the-Pooh steering wheel covers, overpowering air fresheners, headlight eye-lashes, fake stickers, body kits, terrible paint jobs, and other high-quality accessories that make your automobile YOUR automobile. 

Go ahead! It's your car!

One of a kind! 

Don't listen to whoever made this, I'm sure you can
 tastefully customize your own vehicle!

Or do what you want. You're an adult. Happy hunting.