I Did It

This face accurately describes my reaction as soon as I realized
that I actually kind of know what I'm doing for the first time ever

This will likely be my final post of the year. I will be going on a little holiday for the break, one of the upsides to living in the China-not-China neighbourhood is that it's a stone's throw from plenty of warm and nice places to spend a two week break. During that time it'll be unlikely that I'll be around a computer, so here's my chance to say a few things before the new year.

Two years ago I couldn't be trusted to remember to put a belt on or be in charge of my own smartphone. I didn't know how to manage online banking, and I was overwhelmed with the concept of credit cards. Many camp sweaters laid down their original sizes because I didn't know how to wash my clothes properly. Now, as of December 18th, 2015, I have been teaching full-time for six months. TEACHING. MONTHS. SIX OF THEM. We're talking about a professional, responsibilty-endowing, you-need-to-put-on-nice-clothes-that-don't-have-shmutz-on-them job. Learning how to actually do it properly took a lot of work, and getting to the point where teacher's college would even think about taking a bum like me almost took more. So this is my chance to say that I couldn't have done it without you.

"Stuart that sounds like a scripted golden globes award speech"

But really. Like, I mean having friends that always come out to spend time with you even if it's a Sunday afternoon and it's Hamilton, a family that foots the bill to the countless times I've done something one of my students wouldn't have done, and coworkers that step up, check up, and support you every day. I really could not have made it anywhere close to where I am now without people who give a shit. So thank you, like, a lot. My kids are the ones who benefit the most from it, which brings me to them.

The perfect visual representation of fun

My Kids (that's right, they belong to ME)
While I cannot show their faces, I can use my masterful MS Paint skills to shield their identities while still capturing their full emotions at any given moment, and also tell you how awesome they are. I can also tell you that while Macau is Westernized-ish-kinda, there are still a few things here and there that don't line up with our ways back home. They will say silly or funny things that you wouldn't get the honor of hearing back home (at least not in the innocent and honest ways they say things), such as:

How to Science: Soils

Example 1: Upon finding a picture of me on google doing research for their newspaper projects
 - "I found Mr. Stuart with a big furry beard on his face!"
(Followed by finding a picture of Brent close to mine, which I pointed out. Apparently they didn't understand that was NOT me)
 - "Is that a picture of you Mr. Stuart? Was that you when you were younger?
 - "Oh my god such an old picture, he isn't even fat yet!"

Example 2: Upon wearing my tweed jacket from Value Village school for the first time
 - "Oh my god, look it's the President. Like the president or like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Jr. but with the different skin"
 - "No, it's Mr. Brant. Mr. Stuart doesn't have anything that looks that good"
 - "Guys but Mr. Brant went back to Canada remember? He even let Mr. Stuart keep his glasses"
 - "But he's wearing a fancy jacket, he must be a doctor. I think he's Dr. Brant" (more on Dr. Brant later)

How to Fractions

Besides the silly things that they say, most of my kids will:

  - Poke the hair on my arms when I'm not looking and call me 'furry' like any number of animals (I think I liked 'a furry big horse' the most)
 - Poke their heads into the classroom during recess while I'm leaving whatsapp messages to various people (Whos names I now preceed with a Mr. or Miss)
 - Encourage their friends (esp. in other classes) to MANGIA at lunchtime during cafeteria duty (and also teach me Chinese, since that's the only time I let them speak it when they're around me) - Look at me with a straight face and ask me "Are you really am 51 years old?"
 - Find ways to surround me at my desk with a barrage of questions of when they will see Dr. Brant

How to Mangia

I love my kids. Sometimes I talk about them to others on how they're all neat and different but also awesome and I realize that I do love my kids.  I have kids who know all the things before I even begin to teach them. I have kids who have stupidly neat printing, who can pick up inferences and summarize better than me. I have kids who read at a goddamn grade SEVEN reading level. They know how to have fun, and they get a little better at things every day. I would say I wish I could be like them when I grow up, but since I've got 16 years on them already, I my job is to take that awesomeness that they possess and aim it at something fun so they can think for themselves, do cool things, and become the kind of people I'd like to play Dutch Blitz with.  


The Story of Dr. Brant
This came as a collision of two events. Halloween isn't a huge event at our school (nor really in Macau), so my interpretation of dressing up was to wear my other glasses to school (currently my only intact glasses until I get my hands on a new pair), and posing as someone else, in this case, Brent. This eventually turned into the character of 'Dr. Brant' after I wore the aforementioned tweed jacket to school for the first time. If I'm at recess and see one of my kids in the hall, I'll put on a different voice and they'll jump to attention and begin drilling this apparently new and unique human being all sorts of questions about his past life. Secretly I love having the personalities of my friends wriggle their way into my teaching (if not my relationship with my kids), I wrote one of my exams based on the story of two of my actual friends who go shopping together. I use other friends in word problems (specifically in math) that tie into their real life qualities. One day I may even be lucky enough to have a visitor in the classroom one day. But for now, it's time for a well deserved holiday break. I'll be in the Philippines with two teacher friends of mine, plus one not-teacher-but-still friend of mine, for almost the entirety of the two weeks we have off. It'll be warm, tasty, and I'll probably have access to a motorcycle there to go FAST. I'll put all the happenings of the next two weeks up just as soon as I'm back. Until then, sit tight and have yourselves a chuffing excellent Christmas break. 

So that's all from China-not-China for 2015. I suppose all years are good if you've been able to do a little something and make somebody feel good about themselves while having a little fun yourself. What's the point of things anyways?

A Useless Guide to Cooking

You know that feeling you get when you do a thing, and you do it properly, and it's been a while since you did that thing (if even ever), and you're bloated-to-bursting with self-confidence and pride in your new-found ability to do simple things with a heap of confidence?  While it can be a detrimental feeling (I.E. when you buy multiple antiquated cars and think 'I can fix anything' before realizing you are in completely over your head), it adds that healthy dose of UMPH to life that makes you do fun stuff and turns an evening into an adventure. And so I've found that feeling taking things in the kitchen, and pushing them together to make tasty things. 

This is where I do battle. There's no oven, a single gas burner, and all the outlets are the wrong shape, but so are the plugs and they fit so that works out I guess. This picture was taken a good 5 months ago, so you don't get to see the industrial-grade Chinese blender with mystery controls I can't read. It's not much, but it's mine, and I'm proud of it. 
This, my friends, is a rice cooker. It is my most treasured If you do not own one, you are living in the past. This thing will cook rice & noodles perfectly, steam vegetables tenderly, boil soup thoroughly, and keep your food warm, moist and perfectly sealed for as long as you want (I left mashed potatoes on 'warm' mode overnight and woke up to the most wonderful breakfast). It may be the thing that allows me to get away making good food with my level of inexperience, but we're not here to talk about my things. So without further delay, these are the two not-so-disastrous results of the kitchen...

Garlic Chili Peanut Chiggin
I bought some chicken at the store because, well, because I wanted to eat it (there's not really any more reason to that when you buy things at the grocery store). Not knowing what kind of chicken I was going to make, I defaulted to the classic 'Get something green that comes out of the ground' strategy (works every time).
The purchased chicken, plus the things you see in the above picture, are the main things I used. I chopped the chilis and garlic, cooked that with the chicken, and then added some sugar (for that Thai flavour), peanut butter (because I felt like it) and some coconut milk to loosen up the consistency. 

While that was going, I put the rice cooker on and put some salted green onions up top to let the steam get to work. Then I put the lid down and it goes. IT GOES. I don't have to watch it, check it, think about it, NOPE. It just goes. Then it stops when things are done. What a gem this thing is. 

Result: When all was said and done, this turned out pretty well. I didn't taste much garlic, and the chilies were hard to detect (I later remembered that peanut butter is useful for quelling overly spicy foods, so I suppose that wasn't a great pairing), but it was really tasty. A savoury, thick peanut sauce that went really well with the rice and salted leeks. A little portion of comfort food with greens on rice. 

Pumpkin Tiramisu
For this one, I had to give Mom a call and ask for the recipe. I am not capable enough to make Tiramisu without instructions, but I am capable enough to improvise. Know how I turned the raw pumpkin into fresh pumpkin goop? Rice cooker. That's right. I put a pumpkin in a rice cooker. I broke all the rules and I still came out on top. See where the heap of confidence comes from? RICE COOKER MAN.

The first step is to make the goop that is the basis for the Tiramisu. Whipping cream, cream cheese, sugar, and the other things that I forget. Don't do what I did and try and whip the cream in a blender. Once you've got a handsome jug of goop like you see here, it's time to get to work on the assembly. 

I got some chocolate wafer cookies from the store, and dipped them in a boiled water-sugar mixture to help them soften up. I lined the bottom and the sides and they happened to fit almost perfectly. 

Then you take your goop and start pouring. Well, if you did what I said specifically NOT to do and mixed the whole thing in the blender, then you'll be pouring. Otherwise, scoop the goop (hehe) into the container, and then line it with cookies again when you're halfway full.  

Top the whole dealio with some cinnamon and cloves, and let it sit in the fridge while you pray that you didn't ruin the whole thing by using a blender instead of a hand mixer. Pray all night, and don't even look at it the next morning. Pray and hope until the evening, and then slowly open the fridge door, clutching what hope you have left, and with any dumb luck, the mixture will have thickened out and you will have fooled your friends and coworkers into thinking that you're a master dessert-maker. 

Result: Holy poop. This stuff was gooooooood. I even had an extra container of goop that I ate with cookies (I mean that I used the cookies as a scoop and powered through an entire cup of the stuff) by myself while watching a movie. You might fart the next day, but you'll have a damn good dessert that goes really well with brandy or amaretto. Don't believe me? Well I suppose you'll just have to come by and try some for yourself.