Health Tips from an Unhealthy Person

Why are you here? I have nothing new to share. I don't teach full time, and since I have to abide by the rules, I don't have any classroom pranks or silly antics to share. I'm not traveling to new places where I can give spoiled or oblivious opinions of destinations I know almost nothing about. I even used up the last of my disposable savings buying a really, really cool car. I'm trying to get you to read my last post because I want you to see my old car because I think I'm cool now that I have a classic car. 

Haven't I entertained you enough? 

Even now, as I type this, I am doing nothing else. I'm on the living room couch in my puh-jammus at noon on a Tuesday. I've had so little to do my daylight hours that I've been desperate to find something productive to do. I've thoroughly ironed and folded all my shirts. I've organized the almost worthless contents of my car's trunk. I've vacuumed and swept and done al that I can to keep my small place in order, all while trying to stay off the computer during peak electricity pricing hours. Now, with nothing else to turn to, I've reluctantly begun to face a demon I've been intently ignorant about for quite some time, my health. This is in spite of the fact that I really, really didn't want to look like a hypocrite after years of proudly mocking those who did the same. 

Basically this

Health is not an interesting topic, and therefore this will not be an motivating read, so if that's what you came for, you can leave.  The title very clearly outlines that this is not helpful advice I'm providing, if you can even call it that. Maybe you're here to mock my mistakes, or enjoy a full serving of schadenfreude, which is outstandingly RUDE. This is not a transformation story, and there are no before/after or progress selfies because that would be indecent. The last thing I want is my budding teaching career stamped out because a picture of my dad body makes it onto the screen of a member of the public school board's hiring committee.

I'm going to keep my clothes on, thank you

Clearly, there isn't anything to be gained from continuing, so now would be a great time for you to go right back to playing Candy Crush or the increasingly-disinteresting content of your Facebook feed. I really don't know why you're still here. 








Stop Reading 











Go Away 

Are all the handsome, fit people gone?

I realize that I run a risk of perhaps not looking very smart in the succeeding paragraphs, since this is a topic as foreign to me as the Spanish language, but I'm going to try my hand at explaining it anyways.


 I'm 28, definitely not old, but not definitely young. I still know my internet memes and can learn the ropes of a complex WWII strategy video game with relative ease. However, 28 is also an age that has been gradually revealing of my own limitations; quiet, yet discomforting reminders that my more-able years are fading into something of a grey area. Slowly, I've realized that I'm growing out of touch with the world because I can't keep up with new trends, or the entertainment world, or keep track of whoever is in charge of the country these days.  Sprouting are the seedlings of my eventual physical and mental constraints, combined with the gradual erosion of my youthful enthusiasm for life and all things in it.

I told you this wasn't going to be an inspiring read. 

I've made several half-hearted attempts to improve my health in order to slim down and not feel quite so physically miserable all the time (well, maybe not all of the time, but a little more kick in my step would be nice). I could have done a lot more, but never put in the full amount of effort. Video games, reading Wikipedia and napping are much more enjoyable activities anyways. Plus, Dutch Blitz is basically a cardio workout, right?
My kick in the ass came from the antithesis of motivation & inspiration, Facebook. A 4 year old picture came up on my feed, the time I had just started with my feeble attempts at healthier living. I realized that in those years, I had been inconsistent, disorganized or otherwise unprovoked to achieve anything. Without sounding like one of those self-absorbed idiots who sell autobiographies, self-help books and tickets to seminars, I asked myself "When am I going to stop pissing around and actually do this properly? 

Or in other words...

Instead of driving home to play World of Warships or watch the Ken Burns Vietnam documentary (which, in my defense, are both legitimately good forms of entertainment), I drove past my street and kept going until I reached a nearby mall with a Fit 4 Less and a Giant Tiger. I made it a point to buy two sets of active wear clothes (old camp staff shirts and cargo shorts do NOT count as workout clothes), check out the equipment (which, for your reference, did indeed look like exercise equipment), and sign up for an entire year's membership (ignoring the fact that I've been losing money with every passing month). 

Obviously (very obviously), I am not a fountain of knowledge when it comes to healthy living. I had to get some information to set myself in the right direction. Some of this advice I scrounged from the internet, other bits have come from peers. However, a significant quantity of the content is from my own experience, however obtuse, unhelpful or otherwise wrong it may or may not be. 

THAT'S TIP NUMBER ONE RIGHT THERE! 

In case you are taking this at least a little bit seriously, I'm going focus on exercise because I want to, and then maybe do a separate story about dietary things. Or maybe not. We'll see. But without any further tangents and distractions here are... 

SOME HEALTH TIPS FROM AN UNHEALTHY PERSON

DO: A BIT OF RESEARCH BEFORE YOU START EXERCISING

I spoke to a few of my friends who work out on a regular basis, and asked them what it was like when they were starting off. Rumors in the science world claim that our muscles are organized into 'groups' and there is a difference between something called 'cardio' and 'strength training'. I thought it was just uncomfortable, stinky, sweating time that you did until you couldn't move anymore. I learned how to target areas of my body that needed the most improvement (which was kind of everything).

DON'T: BE ONE OF THOSE ASSHOLES WHO LETS ARROGANCE BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR COMPETENCE

Sometimes I think those folks in charge of the U.S. government need a little reminder of that. Watch this video. Don't not watch the video. 

No, of course this isn't real. But it's almost not fake.

DO: EAT LIGHTLY BEFORE WORKING OUT, IF AT ALL

Digesting and exercising are both taxing bodily functions that require energy. I'm told things like nuts, yogurt, fruit, and little meaty bits are good. Generally, a light snack to spruce you up is okay if necessary, with some protein cause that does health stuff, but...

DON'T: EAT TWO BOWLS OF CHILI AND THEN COMPLETE AN ENTIRE WORKOUT

This is not a good idea. Working out is much, much more difficult when you're hauling around close to a litre of mexican meat stew in your belly. You will feel the gushy, spicy mess inside your body heave from side to side as you try to finish even a light amount of cardio. You will get cramps and heartburn while the rowing machine distressingly crams your lunch up against your other intestines while you sweat desperately trying to complete 10 minutes of cardio. Even after giving up on any core-related or endurance exercises, when you move to the leg press squat-type thing (which happens to be the only machine you're decently good at), you will definitely fart when even minimally exerting yourself.

Fettuccine Alfredo is also not the best of pre-workout meals

DO: WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER

As I was quickly told by a friend, just showing up isn't enough, it's planning and organization that's key. Stretching before you start your workout, focusing on certain muscle groups (which are a thing, apparently), and being consistent with the number of reps (which is a fancy short word for the number of times you have to do a thing before you can stop) are all important.
Once you're ready to get started, you'll be faced with a sea of repeated monotonous actions. Lift this thing up, then put it down. Yank on this cord, then let it wind back.  Pull on handle, or push on a lever. Twist a bar and sloppily let it slip out of your hands to clang let slip out of your hands to clang obnoxiously to upset gym-goers around you. Side to side, over and under, up and down, in and out, slip and crash. Pushing, twisting, lifting, bending, over and over until you think about how big of a pizza you deserve for all your hard work. To combat the boredom, I use the two most important skills that Humber College's Jazz Performance program taught me: listening to obscure music that nobody really likes, and religiously counting to relatively low numbers (like 15 or 20) over and over. This provides a valuable distraction from your lack of strength, endurance and overall ability. It also serves the purpose of drowning out the sound of your dry wheezing as you desperately struggle to complete a full 10 minutes of cardio. I bet you didn't think that jazz was that useful of a skill, did you? 

I don't look like such an idiot now!

DON'T: DO WHATEVER YOU WANT

Doing whatever you want is dumb, because you will stop pushing yourself, or going regularly, or caring. I had to shout these goals at myself every time I felt like my heart wasn't in it. 

- Go to the gym three times a week, for at least an hour each time
- Don't go less than than three times a week, or for less than an hour each time 
- Don't cut your cardio time short just because you want to run back home and conquer Europe with tanks and mechanized infantry
- Don't leave your gym bag at home because you WILL get distracted and endlessly download new scenarios for Train Simulator 

When I did make a habit of going on a regular basis, I still managed to screw things up. Apparently, if you work your muscles too often and don't give them a break, they will stiffen up, shudder, or wear out like various components on a 24 year old Buick. As a friend of mine reminded me, ligaments and other joint-y parts (I think that's the medical term) develop more slowly than muscles. Unfortunately, I was told this after I had gone too hard on the arm machine several days in a row, and I'd worn out my elbows to such an extent that I could not extend either arm to a fully straight position for several days. This made regular tasks like putting on a coat, carrying groceries, or even adjusting the car stereo become a much more painful and embarrassing spectacle. In future, I'm going to try to listen to my body and recognize my pathetic physical limitations like very weak forearms that can only lift 30 lbs, or knees that creak and shudder after several reps of squats.

That's all the knowledge I can offer at this point. All said and done, I've now been going to 'the gym' for a single and entire month. With my seasoned knowledge of the fitness world, I now consider myself not an absolute rookie. 

- ✔ I know how to use at least some of the machines. (The ones that clang loudly are the most fun)
- ✔ I've only hurt myself 5 times (That's better than six!) 
- ✔  I can run for a full 6 minutes straight without seizing stitches in my gut! (Maybe by next month I'll be able to do a full 10 minutes)

Not too bad eh?

One small step for a regular person, one giant leap for a lazy, clumsy fool

That's all. Bye 

I Bought Another Car

A little bit of good news and bad news; The good news is that now I've been hired by a private school as a substitute, I now have a little income. However, I've used up the entirety of the money I budgeted for 'settling in'. I can pay the bills, my rent and keep myself from going hungry, but it means the impulsive spending will have to come to a stop. Well, mostly a stop. I may have broken the rules a bit and done something I kind of planned for but not actually really planned for.  I am almost definitely sure that is a very good thing and not a money pit.

pleeeeeeease don't let this be a money pit like all the other ones....

Since returning to Canada in the summer, I have been scrounging kijiji to find the perfect set of wheels that satisfies my impulses without depleting my bank account. In an earlier post, I showed a few pictures of various cars I had gone to see that were either out of my price range or mechanical ability to restore to respectable condition. Without being dissuaded, I continued to browse and message and call and visit and inspect a number of vehicles until I came across something a little extra special.

"But Stuart, you already have your wonderful Buick! Do you really need another car?"

Cars don't have feelings and won't get jealous or feel neglected. Don't worry. 

 That is a SILLY question. This is not at all about what I need, but what I WANT. Moreover, it is something that when I came across, I said to myself, I WANT RIGHT NOW. I've had a number of old cars over the years, usually during a time when I could barely afford to buy them, never mind take care of them. With my foreseeable future in Hamilton and a chunk of savings that was supposed to be for something else or investing or something, I told myself that this is a wonderful opportunity to dive head-first into another car. And so with blind great enthusiasm, I would like to present to you, a machine so charming, so beautiful, so incredibly neat, that I challenge you to be more enthused about another inanimate object.

BEHOLD

This is my new (old) 1982 Mercedes-Benz 240D. It's slow, loud, and ridiculously good looking. It has spent the entirety of it's 35 years in Ontario, usually in an underground parking garage. It's got 130,000 km on the odometer, and is almost entirely rust free (the underside, thankfully, is as clean as a whistle). It's got a lovely sunroof, bouncy heated seats, and a 4 speed manual transmission. I'm the third owner of the car, picking this thing up in mid-October for about what you'd pay to furnish your home at Ikea. 

To some people, this may simply look like an 'old' car. With an effort to restrain myself from being a condescending, dismissive or otherwise boring car fanatic, I'm going to try to explain why it's quite a bit more than that. If you get bored because you have the attention span of some of my students, you can skip down to the summaries in bold and to where I just describe the features and complain about it's performance. Otherwise, here's a little backstory.

When compared to today, I think that cars used to play a much bigger part in our lives, especially to those of us who live in North America where personal mobility means independence, identity, and the occasial bit of quasi-legal-don't-get-caught fun. I can safely bet that you'll likely remember your first car and how it was an object of personal pride and freedom, regardless if it was a newer vehicle or a $500 special at a used car lot. Similarly, our love affair with our vehicles meant an enjoyment deeper than their base purpose. Rather than just getting from A to B, the experience of driving with the windows down, the stereo playing your favourite song, and neatly carving corners along your way (whether at speed or at a responsible pace) produced a smile on our faces that made it not just a trip, but a journey. Similarly, people often took pride in the make or model of vehicle if they had the means to choose. We still know today that some brands are just a little more prestigious than others. Something like a BMW, Lexus or Volvo offers a little extra "refinement" if compared to a Hyundai, Volkswagen or Chevrolet.  

Now, I won't say that this doesn't happen today, but I think things have changed quite a bit in the last 30 years. Modern design of cars results in different brands looking more or less the same, limiting the form of expression that cars can afford. The experience of driving is becoming more of a chore than a thrill, with fewer people enjoying winding roads and more of us being bogged down in tedious traffic. Car ownership itself, with services like Lyft & Uber and more people living in urban areas, is steadily becoming less of a necessity, never mind an enjoyable experience.

Long story short:
- Cars used to be cool, diverse and important
- People used to care about cars, and identify with them
- I like old cars because they are different and neat
- Cars are all the same now and that makes them boring, grey, disposable appliances

This is the point in the lesson where I would switch to a video to give my kiddos a break from all my boring talking so they can see for themselves. Luckily for you, I have just the link in mind.
Watch the video you idiot. Don't skip the video. This is a key part in my lesson plan and I'll be damned if you're going to leave this website without learning the core curriculum standards. 

This bit of 80's television just REEKS of the kind of arrogance that brand-loyal car folks lap up. I just tingle with delight when I hear that saxophone play as the Lincoln lumbers into the shot, just as the semi-elderly men's faces melt with envy. I also get a kick out of the man say "Excuse me, I believe that's my Buick". Now, these commercials were plastered with marketing bullshit to help sell these cars, generously described with adjectives like "Style", "Exhilaration" and "Grace", but the idea of using qualities (whether factual or anecdotal) that one particular is somehow better than all other brands of cars was (and to an extent, still is) a prevalent theme in car culture. When you were buying a car in the early 1980's, these were the kinds of things you'd be choosing from.- Look closely at the old cars to see how silly but also how different they were
- No, look closely. I made them big so you could see the details. Look at the details. 
- Think about the different kinds of people who would buy and drive these cars
- Say 'neat' from time to time. Slowly become an old car fanatic. 

You could have your choice of luxo-boats from Cadillac, Oldsmobile, Buick, Lincoln and Mercury. These six passenger, chrome-ornamented, big-engined cars were the relics of the 50's and 60's when our grandparents generation was learning to drive on machines that were more like ocean liners than automobiles. These drank gasoline like a teenager downs mountain dew, with about as much refinement as one too. Take a corner too fast in these and the vehicle will roll and heave like a ship in heavy seas, probably losing a chrome hubcap in the process. By the 1980's, most customers (like their preferred cars) were starting to age when compared to the newer generations of vehicles. That's why whenever you see a vehicle like this on the road, it's usually driven by someone who looks like they've been retired for the last 20 years. 

This one comes in a lovely shade of hearing-aid beige

Wire wheels, white wall tires and a cloth-padded roof. Bingo anyone?

Plastic pretending to be wood, plastic pretending to be rubber,
and plastic pretending to be chrome. How charming. 

For families and those in very open relationships, there were two main choices; the station wagon and the newly developed, cutting edge minivan. 

It doesn't exactly scream 'performance', does it?

This was the apex of automotive technology in 1982. 

Or if you were of limited means, you could also get a smaller car, but the choices weren't that much more exciting than those at a retirement home cafeteria. 

These K cars were the Kia's of their time. Like white bread, they were bland, cheap, and had an expiry date. 

Slow, sparse and sad. Not exactly the belle of the ball, is it?

You'd get some seats, a steering wheel and a speedometer. Very modern. 

German and Japanese cars were certainly reliable and well made, but this was still a time when small cars were considered 'less than safe' and  'not cool looking enough'.

Having to choose between power windows and an AM/FM cassette stereo was also a little depressing. 

And there were few people cool enough to even consider something as legendary as a Volvo. 

Don't think you'd be cool enough to buy this car. You wouldn't. Don't even try. 

Now that we've had a tour of this cornucopia of excitement and modern design, we get to the Mercedes. It wasn't a particularly cheap or well-equipped car, priced next to or above the Cadillacs and Lincolns. In fact, on paper the Mercedes seems remarkably inferior to all of its competitors; Size, standard features, horsepower, etc. For those reasons, many people opted for something made in Detroit rather than West Germany. 

(this the part where I get to be a snob and explain why my car is the BEST)

At this point in automotive history, while they weren't known as an exciting brand, Mercedes-Benz offered well-built, intelligently designed, handsome vehicles. The attention to detail, quality of construction, and general longevity of life speaks for itself on these cars. Some could even argue that they were 'the best cars in the world', using the same nonsense vocabulary that the previous commercial used. Take a look at this exceedingly self-righteous video that verifies Mercedes owners as, by far, the biggest snobs in the automotive world. 

Now, I could go on and on with all kinds of frivolous details about quality, refinement, prestige and other self-assuring qualities, but I'm sure you'd quit reading this within the next 30 seconds if I did that. Instead, here's my car, summed up into three categories that are by no means taken from a famous western movie title.

- Now look at my car. Look at it closely.
- Compare it to the other cars from that time.
- Realize how this car is, by far, superior. Think highly of me for making an aesthetically pleasing and logical decision.
- Do NOT think that I'm an idiot for buying a second car on a limited income. That would be a BAD idea. 

THE GOOD 

EVERYTHING WORKS: On old cars, there is an expectation of a constant number of small, nagging problems. Parts wear out, burn out, fall out, or otherwise stop working. It's that disappointment and frustration that goes hand in hand with old car ownership, and it never ends. Every button and feature, from the seat heaters to the powered antenna, to the sunroof, all of it works without a hitch. The air conditioning needs a recharge, but I don't think I'll bother with that considering how much power it would take from the engine (more on that later). 

IT'S IN GOOD SHAPE: With the exception of a few bodywork imperfections, this 35 year old machine doesn't show it's age. There are no tears in the seats, no cracked or chipped glass, and on the road the car feels like a well-oiled machine. 

With a new fuse, even the fancy yellow fog lights are working again. 

IT LOOKS EXCELLENT: There are many qualities this car has, but perhaps my favourite is how undeniably good looking it is. What this car lacks in size (when compared to the other high-brow cars of the time) it makes up for in good looks. The symmetrical pattern of the headlights,  with the yellow fog lamps are just a tiny bit smaller than the main lights makes for a handsome front end. The hubcaps tastefully match the paint, complete with Mercedes emblems adorned in the center of each wheel. The chrome fittings and decals, less gaudy and tacky than their American counterparts, add handsome flowing lines and flair to the design. Even the beautiful, caramel interior compliments the shade of burnt orange of the exterior. Simply put, this car is unequivocally a e s t h e t i c 

I get a hood ornament for that quintessential Mercedes-Benz snobbery

IT'S A MERCEDES BENZ!: Every part of the car moves with sober precision. The doors close with the thunk of a bank vault. The suspension soaks up bumps in the road that makes even the streets of Hamilton feel like the Autobahn. The car comes with a collection of dorky German oddities and a high level of engineering that is hard to find in today's vehicles, easily making it the best type of car in the world!  

How about a complete, original first aid kit? I'm sure the bandages will probably disintegrate if you tried to use them...

Or a very clean trunk with an original road hazard sign you can set up in the very unlikely case of a breakdown

Under the hood, you'll find a simple-looking, clattery box of fumes and soot, and it is simultaneously the best and worst feature of the Benz. These diesel engines are known to be exceedingly robust and long-lasting. They are relatively easy to maintain and repair, especially considering there are few complex or computerized parts that you can't work on yourself. While working on your own vehicle is becoming more and more of a novelty, something as simple as this is an accommodating opportunity to develop a few mechanical skills of your own. On the other hand...

THE BAD

This may just look like an organized heap of car parts to you.
In fact, it's the makings of a mighty, apocalypse-proof powerhouse. 

IT'S REALLY, REALLY SLOW: The power the 4 cylinder, diesel-powered motor possesses is at the very limit of what is considered safe for the realms of public roads. No, I don't mean the maximum limit. This vehicle, when new (which was well over 3 decades ago) harnessed a dizzying 65 horsepower. SIXTY FIVE. That's about what you would get if you bought a pair of used blenders from value village, welded them to the rear wheel of your bicycle, and let 'er rip. In fact, the Benz has less power than any single automobile on sale today in the Western world, all tasked with hauling around 3600 pounds of West German steel & Canadian passengers (not including how much they had for lunch). The result is performance that is not great. Drivers need patience when climbing any sort of hill, never mind the escarpment in Hamilton. Highway driving also requires a degree of bravery in order to pass a slow-moving vehicle on the highway. Even if I keep my foot relentlessly planted to the floor, a fixed-gear bike-riding hipster on a diet solely of kale and demineralized water would still beat me in a drag race. The car does hold the road very well in the corners, but that's mostly because it can't go fast enough to put itself in danger. At least I won't be getting any speeding tickets... 


PARTS ARE VERY EXPENSIVE: All that superiority of owning a 'world class automobile' comes with a price. Given their age and scarcity, it's unlikely that I'll be able to find a donor car in a scrapyard. Even though I plan on working on the car myself (as much as I'm able to), replacement parts are not going to be cheap. Here's a little chart comparing a cheaper domestic vehicle with the Benz (all prices are in US $, quoted from Autozone).

	Buick Park Avenue	Mercedes-Benz
Power Steering Pump	$61.99	$121.99
Brake Calipers	$37.99	$64.99
Spark/Glow Plugs	$4.69 each (6/engine)	$17.89 each (4/engine)
Headlight Unit	$55.99	$169.99

Luckily, a friend of mine was generous enough to gift me his collection of MB parts he had acquired over many years of car addiction collecting. That alone will likely keep me from having to move back in with my parents. 

THE UGLYThis is not an adjective I'd advise you to use about the car in my presence

 Damage to the paint by the previous owner after a little unconsentual touching in a parking garage

Generally speaking, the car isn't in perfect shape. While these areas don't effect it's functional ability, there are still things I'd like to take care of in the future, probably during the springtime. If anyone reading this knows of a quality body shop with experience with older cars, please let me know. 

The windshield wiper arms have begun to corrode. They'll need a good sanding and coat of paint.

While the sunroof seals well, rust has begun forming around the edges

A bit more rust just starting to bubble the paint at the base of the C pillars and under the chrome strip

The rubber on the bumper doesn't seem to want to stay put, so the previous owner elected to use plastic cable ties

Like all classic cars, this one will be a constant work-in-progress. The nice thing about it is that I don't have to tear the car apart or break the bank getting these little things done, especially if I can do it myself. The rust is something that needs tackling sooner rather than later, so I'm still on the hunt for a place in the Hamilton area that will do a proper job.  To finish, I made a little video of the Benz in use. Here's the link if it works . I think the Frank Sinatra album is on its last legs, so if you have any jazz cassettes laying around your house you'd like to sell me, give me a shout!

I'm hoping that the costs of ownership won't make me regret my purchase, and that I'll be able to allot enough of my time to make sure this car stays in good shape. The Mercedes will have to go into storage soon to prevent any treacherous salt from getting on the underside or bodywork, and I'll use the Buick for those colder months and for longer trips. One upside to all of this is that since I have an insured primary car (the Buick, of course!), I'm able to insure the Benz as a classic, paying only $20/month. I don't look like such an idiot now!

Thanks for indulging me in that bit of automotive history and my obsession with old things. If I see you in person, I'd be happy to give you a short ride in the car before I store it away for the winter time and swap it for the Buick. Even in the unlikely situation that you don't actually like the car that much, I hope you enjoyed the read. 
Thanks for stopping by.