Why are you here? I have nothing new to share. I don't teach full time, and since I have to abide by the rules, I don't have any classroom pranks or silly antics to share. I'm not traveling to new places where I can give spoiled or oblivious opinions of destinations I know almost nothing about. I even used up the last of my disposable savings buying a really, really cool car. I'm trying to get you to read my last post because I want you to see my old car because I think I'm cool now that I have a classic car.
Haven't I entertained you enough?
Even now, as I type this, I am doing nothing else. I'm on the living room couch in my puh-jammus at noon on a Tuesday. I've had so little to do my daylight hours that I've been desperate to find something productive to do. I've thoroughly ironed and folded all my shirts. I've organized the almost worthless contents of my car's trunk. I've vacuumed and swept and done al that I can to keep my small place in order, all while trying to stay off the computer during peak electricity pricing hours. Now, with nothing else to turn to, I've reluctantly begun to face a demon I've been intently ignorant about for quite some time, my health. This is in spite of the fact that I really, really didn't want to look like a hypocrite after years of proudly mocking those who did the same.
Health is not an interesting topic, and therefore this will not be an motivating read, so if that's what you came for, you can leave. The title very clearly outlines that this is not helpful advice I'm providing, if you can even call it that. Maybe you're here to mock my mistakes, or enjoy a full serving of schadenfreude, which is outstandingly RUDE. This is not a transformation story, and there are no before/after or progress selfies because that would be indecent. The last thing I want is my budding teaching career stamped out because a picture of my dad body makes it onto the screen of a member of the public school board's hiring committee.
Clearly, there isn't anything to be gained from continuing, so now would be a great time for you to go right back to playing Candy Crush or the increasingly-disinteresting content of your Facebook feed. I really don't know why you're still here.
Stop Reading
Go Away
I realize that I run a risk of perhaps not looking very smart in the succeeding paragraphs, since this is a topic as foreign to me as the Spanish language, but I'm going to try my hand at explaining it anyways.
I'm 28, definitely not old, but not definitely young. I still know my internet memes and can learn the ropes of a complex WWII strategy video game with relative ease. However, 28 is also an age that has been gradually revealing of my own limitations; quiet, yet discomforting reminders that my more-able years are fading into something of a grey area. Slowly, I've realized that I'm growing out of touch with the world because I can't keep up with new trends, or the entertainment world, or keep track of whoever is in charge of the country these days. Sprouting are the seedlings of my eventual physical and mental constraints, combined with the gradual erosion of my youthful enthusiasm for life and all things in it.
I've made several half-hearted attempts to improve my health in order to slim down and not feel quite so physically miserable all the time (well, maybe not all of the time, but a little more kick in my step would be nice). I could have done a lot more, but never put in the full amount of effort. Video games, reading Wikipedia and napping are much more enjoyable activities anyways. Plus, Dutch Blitz is basically a cardio workout, right?
My kick in the ass came from the antithesis of motivation & inspiration, Facebook. A 4 year old picture came up on my feed, the time I had just started with my feeble attempts at healthier living. I realized that in those years, I had been inconsistent, disorganized or otherwise unprovoked to achieve anything. Without sounding like one of those self-absorbed idiots who sell autobiographies, self-help books and tickets to seminars, I asked myself "When am I going to stop pissing around and actually do this properly?
Or in other words...
Instead of driving home to play World of Warships or watch the Ken Burns Vietnam documentary (which, in my defense, are both legitimately good forms of entertainment), I drove past my street and kept going until I reached a nearby mall with a Fit 4 Less and a Giant Tiger. I made it a point to buy two sets of active wear clothes (old camp staff shirts and cargo shorts do NOT count as workout clothes), check out the equipment (which, for your reference, did indeed look like exercise equipment), and sign up for an entire year's membership (ignoring the fact that I've been losing money with every passing month).
In case you are taking this at least a little bit seriously, I'm going focus on exercise because I want to, and then maybe do a separate story about dietary things. Or maybe not. We'll see. But without any further tangents and distractions here are...
I spoke to a few of my friends who work out on a regular basis, and asked them what it was like when they were starting off. Rumors in the science world claim that our muscles are organized into 'groups' and there is a difference between something called 'cardio' and 'strength training'. I thought it was just uncomfortable, stinky, sweating time that you did until you couldn't move anymore. I learned how to target areas of my body that needed the most improvement (which was kind of everything).
No, of course this isn't real. But it's almost not fake.
Digesting and exercising are both taxing bodily functions that require energy. I'm told things like nuts, yogurt, fruit, and little meaty bits are good. Generally, a light snack to spruce you up is okay if necessary, with some protein cause that does health stuff, but...
As I was quickly told by a friend, just showing up isn't enough, it's planning and organization that's key. Stretching before you start your workout, focusing on certain muscle groups (which are a thing, apparently), and being consistent with the number of reps (which is a fancy short word for the number of times you have to do a thing before you can stop) are all important.
Once you're ready to get started, you'll be faced with a sea of repeated monotonous actions. Lift this thing up, then put it down. Yank on this cord, then let it wind back. Pull on handle, or push on a lever. Twist a bar and sloppily let it slip out of your hands to clang let slip out of your hands to clang obnoxiously to upset gym-goers around you. Side to side, over and under, up and down, in and out, slip and crash. Pushing, twisting, lifting, bending, over and over until you think about how big of a pizza you deserve for all your hard work. To combat the boredom, I use the two most important skills that Humber College's Jazz Performance program taught me: listening to obscure music that nobody really likes, and religiously counting to relatively low numbers (like 15 or 20) over and over. This provides a valuable distraction from your lack of strength, endurance and overall ability. It also serves the purpose of drowning out the sound of your dry wheezing as you desperately struggle to complete a full 10 minutes of cardio. I bet you didn't think that jazz was that useful of a skill, did you?
DON'T: DO WHATEVER YOU WANT
That's all the knowledge I can offer at this point. All said and done, I've now been going to 'the gym' for a single and entire month. With my seasoned knowledge of the fitness world, I now consider myself not an absolute rookie.
- ✔ I know how to use at least some of the machines. (The ones that clang loudly are the most fun)
- ✔ I've only hurt myself 5 times (That's better than six!)
- ✔ I can run for a full 6 minutes straight without seizing stitches in my gut! (Maybe by next month I'll be able to do a full 10 minutes)
Not too bad eh?
That's all. Bye
Haven't I entertained you enough?
Even now, as I type this, I am doing nothing else. I'm on the living room couch in my puh-jammus at noon on a Tuesday. I've had so little to do my daylight hours that I've been desperate to find something productive to do. I've thoroughly ironed and folded all my shirts. I've organized the almost worthless contents of my car's trunk. I've vacuumed and swept and done al that I can to keep my small place in order, all while trying to stay off the computer during peak electricity pricing hours. Now, with nothing else to turn to, I've reluctantly begun to face a demon I've been intently ignorant about for quite some time, my health. This is in spite of the fact that I really, really didn't want to look like a hypocrite after years of proudly mocking those who did the same.
 |
| Basically this |
 |
| I'm going to keep my clothes on, thank you |
Stop Reading
Go Away
 |
| Are all the handsome, fit people gone? |
I realize that I run a risk of perhaps not looking very smart in the succeeding paragraphs, since this is a topic as foreign to me as the Spanish language, but I'm going to try my hand at explaining it anyways.
I'm 28, definitely not old, but not definitely young. I still know my internet memes and can learn the ropes of a complex WWII strategy video game with relative ease. However, 28 is also an age that has been gradually revealing of my own limitations; quiet, yet discomforting reminders that my more-able years are fading into something of a grey area. Slowly, I've realized that I'm growing out of touch with the world because I can't keep up with new trends, or the entertainment world, or keep track of whoever is in charge of the country these days. Sprouting are the seedlings of my eventual physical and mental constraints, combined with the gradual erosion of my youthful enthusiasm for life and all things in it.
 |
| I told you this wasn't going to be an inspiring read. |
I've made several half-hearted attempts to improve my health in order to slim down and not feel quite so physically miserable all the time (well, maybe not all of the time, but a little more kick in my step would be nice). I could have done a lot more, but never put in the full amount of effort. Video games, reading Wikipedia and napping are much more enjoyable activities anyways. Plus, Dutch Blitz is basically a cardio workout, right?
My kick in the ass came from the antithesis of motivation & inspiration, Facebook. A 4 year old picture came up on my feed, the time I had just started with my feeble attempts at healthier living. I realized that in those years, I had been inconsistent, disorganized or otherwise unprovoked to achieve anything. Without sounding like one of those self-absorbed idiots who sell autobiographies, self-help books and tickets to seminars, I asked myself "When am I going to stop pissing around and actually do this properly?
Or in other words...
 |
Obviously (very obviously), I am not a fountain of knowledge when it comes to healthy living. I had to get some information to set myself in the right direction. Some of this advice I scrounged from the internet, other bits have come from peers. However, a significant quantity of the content is from my own experience, however obtuse, unhelpful or otherwise wrong it may or may not be.
 |
| THAT'S TIP NUMBER ONE RIGHT THERE! |
In case you are taking this at least a little bit seriously, I'm going focus on exercise because I want to, and then maybe do a separate story about dietary things. Or maybe not. We'll see. But without any further tangents and distractions here are...
SOME HEALTH TIPS FROM AN UNHEALTHY PERSON
DO: A BIT OF RESEARCH BEFORE YOU START EXERCISING
DON'T: BE ONE OF THOSE ASSHOLES WHO LETS ARROGANCE BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR COMPETENCE
Sometimes I think those folks in charge of the U.S. government need a little reminder of that. Watch this video. Don't not watch the video. No, of course this isn't real. But it's almost not fake.
DO: EAT LIGHTLY BEFORE WORKING OUT, IF AT ALL
Digesting and exercising are both taxing bodily functions that require energy. I'm told things like nuts, yogurt, fruit, and little meaty bits are good. Generally, a light snack to spruce you up is okay if necessary, with some protein cause that does health stuff, but...
DON'T: EAT TWO BOWLS OF CHILI AND THEN COMPLETE AN ENTIRE WORKOUT
This is not a good idea. Working out is much, much more difficult when you're hauling around close to a litre of mexican meat stew in your belly. You will feel the gushy, spicy mess inside your body heave from side to side as you try to finish even a light amount of cardio. You will get cramps and heartburn while the rowing machine distressingly crams your lunch up against your other intestines while you sweat desperately trying to complete 10 minutes of cardio. Even after giving up on any core-related or endurance exercises, when you move to the leg press squat-type thing (which happens to be the only machine you're decently good at), you will definitely fart when even minimally exerting yourself. |
| Fettuccine Alfredo is also not the best of pre-workout meals |
DO: WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER
As I was quickly told by a friend, just showing up isn't enough, it's planning and organization that's key. Stretching before you start your workout, focusing on certain muscle groups (which are a thing, apparently), and being consistent with the number of reps (which is a fancy short word for the number of times you have to do a thing before you can stop) are all important.
Once you're ready to get started, you'll be faced with a sea of repeated monotonous actions. Lift this thing up, then put it down. Yank on this cord, then let it wind back. Pull on handle, or push on a lever. Twist a bar and sloppily let it slip out of your hands to clang let slip out of your hands to clang obnoxiously to upset gym-goers around you. Side to side, over and under, up and down, in and out, slip and crash. Pushing, twisting, lifting, bending, over and over until you think about how big of a pizza you deserve for all your hard work. To combat the boredom, I use the two most important skills that Humber College's Jazz Performance program taught me: listening to obscure music that nobody really likes, and religiously counting to relatively low numbers (like 15 or 20) over and over. This provides a valuable distraction from your lack of strength, endurance and overall ability. It also serves the purpose of drowning out the sound of your dry wheezing as you desperately struggle to complete a full 10 minutes of cardio. I bet you didn't think that jazz was that useful of a skill, did you?
 |
| I don't look like such an idiot now! |
DON'T: DO WHATEVER YOU WANT
Doing whatever you want is dumb, because you will stop pushing yourself, or going regularly, or caring. I had to shout these goals at myself every time I felt like my heart wasn't in it.
- Go to the gym three times a week, for at least an hour each time
- Don't go less than than three times a week, or for less than an hour each time
- Don't cut your cardio time short just because you want to run back home and conquer Europe with tanks and mechanized infantry
- Don't leave your gym bag at home because you WILL get distracted and endlessly download new scenarios for Train Simulator
When I did make a habit of going on a regular basis, I still managed to screw things up. Apparently, if you work your muscles too often and don't give them a break, they will stiffen up, shudder, or wear out like various components on a 24 year old Buick. As a friend of mine reminded me, ligaments and other joint-y parts (I think that's the medical term) develop more slowly than muscles. Unfortunately, I was told this after I had gone too hard on the arm machine several days in a row, and I'd worn out my elbows to such an extent that I could not extend either arm to a fully straight position for several days. This made regular tasks like putting on a coat, carrying groceries, or even adjusting the car stereo become a much more painful and embarrassing spectacle. In future, I'm going to try to listen to my body and recognize my pathetic physical limitations like very weak forearms that can only lift 30 lbs, or knees that creak and shudder after several reps of squats.
- Go to the gym three times a week, for at least an hour each time
- Don't go less than than three times a week, or for less than an hour each time
- Don't cut your cardio time short just because you want to run back home and conquer Europe with tanks and mechanized infantry
- Don't leave your gym bag at home because you WILL get distracted and endlessly download new scenarios for Train Simulator
When I did make a habit of going on a regular basis, I still managed to screw things up. Apparently, if you work your muscles too often and don't give them a break, they will stiffen up, shudder, or wear out like various components on a 24 year old Buick. As a friend of mine reminded me, ligaments and other joint-y parts (I think that's the medical term) develop more slowly than muscles. Unfortunately, I was told this after I had gone too hard on the arm machine several days in a row, and I'd worn out my elbows to such an extent that I could not extend either arm to a fully straight position for several days. This made regular tasks like putting on a coat, carrying groceries, or even adjusting the car stereo become a much more painful and embarrassing spectacle. In future, I'm going to try to listen to my body and recognize my pathetic physical limitations like very weak forearms that can only lift 30 lbs, or knees that creak and shudder after several reps of squats.
- ✔ I know how to use at least some of the machines. (The ones that clang loudly are the most fun)
- ✔ I've only hurt myself 5 times (That's better than six!)
- ✔ I can run for a full 6 minutes straight without seizing stitches in my gut! (Maybe by next month I'll be able to do a full 10 minutes)
Not too bad eh?
 |
| One small step for a regular person, one giant leap for a lazy, clumsy fool |
That's all. Bye
